Broken Codes

His Princess He didn't see me going to the donut store. If he did, he would remind me that I'm fat. He would remind me 10 times a day that I need to work out and lose 15 kilos. He would tell me that I'm not fit, and that I'm not good enough. I bite into the donut, original glazed. It hits the right spot. I am happy.  He didn't see me going to the party in heels. If he did, he would remind me that I don't have the required practice and I am wobbly on my feet. He would smile at me weird and say not to feel hurt, he's just playing. But he didn't see me, go to the party in heels. I dance and nearly fall, but it's so good to feel it without someone pointing it out. He didn't see me putting on my green lipstick. If he did, he would remind me that it's just not what's done in society. But he didn't see me, and I had the best night. I was free to be myself.  He didn't see me crying, if he did he would have said that I'm too emotional,...

The Monster I watch her running through the woods. The lower branches nearly slapping her to the ground. It's almost like she feels me, she hears me, she can sense my footsteps as I follow her. But I am like air, I am like dust, I am like mist. I am there but do I really exist? She stops on the pathway and I can see her pant, her chest heaving, tears streaming down her cheeks, thin long streaks, wet across her face. She is afraid and I am excited. I raise my hand to caress her head. She lets out a scream of frustration and starts her long run away from me, away from what she thinks I am. Monsters aren't real, are they? Monsters don't exist, do they? So do I really exist? The Girl I run, as fast as I can, away through the wooded path. I've done this in a dream before and I cannot stop running because if I do, it will catch upto me. I can feel it getting closer, I can almost see its shadow, I can sense its presence getting closer.  My monster has claws tha...

The Story I wonder sometimes if you knew, how much it hurt. Not that you were in love with someone else, but that you lied to me about it. I wonder sometimes if you knew how insane it made me to know that there was some secret that you didn't tell me about. I wonder if you knew that i was jealous only because I feared losing you to her. Yet, I did. It isn't the fact that you look happy that hurts me, I'm happy that you are happy. But it's that I wasn't important enough for you to tell me, that there was someone else, that maybe you'll leave me for her. It didn't matter that you loved her the way you loved me or that you were happy around her, the way you were around me. But the fact is, you lied to me, made me feel like I was the only one. You made me feel like my world was your world, that you knew what we could accomplish together. Yet, at the end you broke my world, you chose her, and not even for a minute did I truly believe you ever could. The T...

The Bride "Could you ask him? Please? I know you're friends. And I really need to know. Could you ask him if he likes me?"  I see the conversation playback in my mind. 15 years since that first crush. I remember this conversation to this day. Because you never really forget the first time your heart breaks.  But what I feel now is love like I have never felt before. You know it's real love when the only time he makes you cry is when he makes you doubt his feelings. But there he is, the perfect groom; Laughing with his buddies. I take a step into the church, the laughing face turns to a sly smile as the orchestra starts playing our song. Walking down the aisle to the man of my dreams. I reach him, the preist does his bit and then the vows. I go first, using every instance I have known him to sum up my feelings entirely and I end it with, "I love you." He hadn't even said it yet, not even on the day he had proposed. All he had said was that he car...

The soul I look at her. She's pretty. I haven't seen her around here before. She seems a little lost. I wonder if I should get up and go say hi. But then, I might lose my seat at the bar. I'm waiting for a friend. He's late. As usual, but I wait, I can be patient. I watch her as she looks around and there's a moment of recognition in her eyes as she looks at a spot near the door. Someone has obviously come in, but I can't take my eyes off of her. She hugs this new comer, a smile in her eyes, a perfect smile on her lips. She isn't sure of something as she separates from him, a smile that turns into a slight frown. She walks towards me, a slight touch on the guy's hand. "Hey man." Of course, the guy has to be him, my best friend since childhood. He introduces her to me, I smile and offer her my seat. She refuses, smiling politely. She looks a little confused as she looks up at him. He introduces her as his friend, he knew her from college...

The keeper I love you son. You are everything, and anything I have wanted. I am sorry that I left. I couldn't be at home anymore. My heart still aches that I left when you were still holding my hand, you were 7 and too young to understand. I could have come to see you any time, but I refused. But never did I spend a single day not thinking about you, I have supported you through everything, watched you more closely than you can ever imagine. But I couldn't bring myself to face you. At 13 you were bright, topper of your class, your mother raised you well. I just could never bring myself to love her again, I could not stand to be in the same room as her. I am sorry. It was never about you.  At 18, I thought that it was time, should I meet you, tell you how I know everything about you- How you have got into one of the best colleges, how proud I am of you. Should I? But I am a coward, son. I am the biggest coward anyone could ever imagine. Your hand wrapped around my fing...

The Girl I lit the candle. It was still dark. I couldn't see except for a few feet ahead. I hated the dark, I feared it. I had this creepy feeling I was being watched. I reached the fuse box and turned on the light. My phone was out of charge. I really felt like I wasn't alone at home.  I went back to my room, put my phone on charge and got into the shower. The warm water was very soothing to my frazzled nerves. Bed time. Finally, I could sleep and the night would be over. I had a few texts from this guy I was seeing. Cute boy, fun boy. I think I could fall in love with him. I felt safe somehow as  I texted him. But it had been a long day and I decided to sleep. His msg read "I can come over. We can chat, maybe watch a movie." I laughed. He was sweet and him being here would make me feel protected, but I was too tired. "Come on. I am nearby i can be there soon." I send a goodnight text and turned off the internet and the lights. And I slept. The lover...

The confused I sit on this park bench and I watch. How are they so sure. How do they know. I watch these girls as they happily clutch the arms of these boys staring lovingly into their eyes. How do they know for sure that that guy is the one? How do they know they love them? How do they know they want to be with them? How do they know that they want to get married? How do they know that they won't get bored?  I can't know. I have never known. Was it love? Is what I am feeling attraction? Is it the attention I seek? Do I want more? How do I know? How is it easy for all these girls that I see to know what they want? What if I am wrong? What if he's not the one, what if I break his heart? What if he breaks mine?  Don't get me wrong, rejection doesn't scare me. Words that convey "I don't feel the same way about you," has never scared me. Probably because I haven't faced rejection, true rejection. Is it rejection if you don't want to really b...

The ex boyfriend I smile at her. I think it's been 2 years since we had last met. She seems to be more comfortable than I am. Why had we decided on this meeting. I stand up and pull out her chair. I'd been here half an hour early. My palms are slightly sweaty, I quickly wipe them on my jeans and shake her hand quickly. We have a few minutes of small talk, I ask her how the weather is at her new city.  I ask her how her new job is. Then I ask her the question most people would evade. "How's the new boyfriend?" She had left me for him. I still remember the day. How arguments turned into the ending. He may have been better for her. But I felt a pang of jealousy even now. It was her turn to smile. "He's doing good. Busier than ever. We've been traveling a lot too. Life is really good." I could feel the jealousy turn into a ravenous hunger, my ego growing wild. What did I want? Wasn't I extremely happy without her? My phone rings, it is m...

Hers   When we go on our first date, I would feel shy, I would smile tenderly and make sure he asks me why I am so quiet. When we go on our first date, we would go somewhere nice, by the beachside at sunset and he would hold my hand. Our first date would have dinner, and maybe he would drop me back home. Outside my house, after dinner, so that we could discuss things at length.   After our first date, when he calls me just to chat, I would open up a little more, and yet, I would pull myself back. It would be perfect, and he would make me smile. I know because I know him well, and I know how he can be nice. I know it would be perfect because I know we are friends, and I know him so well that I can read him better than anyone else can.   When we go on our second date, I would be a little nicer, I would smile a lot broader and would tell him a few secrets. But here is the truth, maybe I really shouldn’t, maybe some secrets are more of a fifth date revelati...

She said Can you remember the exact moment when your friend became an acquaintance. Because I can't. I have spend years trying to figure it out. Trying to keep in touch with someone who so obviously didn't care enough. Of course, self doubt always crept in, not understanding where and when this happened. Or what precise incident made this happen. You keep going back to that moment where you might have done something wrong, but really, maybe you haven't.  I don't know if I have.  All I remember was that she was my best friend. I used to believe that friends can be your soulmates too, and she was mine. I defended her with a vigour, when loyalty was only given to those friends you truly trust. High school days, and friendships that barely scratched the surface, she was the only person I couldn't abandon and the only place where my loyalties were. She was family.  I knew when her ambitions changed, I knew her when she dated the guy I had a crush on and laughed i...

The mind I'm going to smile and pretend and tell you this story.  I am okay. I have been okay. I will be okay. I have been saying this to everyone, I don't see a reason to speak the truth now.  I am fine. It wasn't me who stood at that ledge that one time. It might have been my body standing there waiting for the right moment, for the winds to shift, for my feet to slip, but it wasn't me. This mind is fine.  Do you mind if I light up a smoke? I picked up this habit a while back, existential crisis, I like to call it. A mid life, scratch that, a quarter life crisis. But I am going to quit. I will, the moment, my life decides it has meaning. I am not dependent on it. I mean, I used to smoke when I used to feel sad but nowadays I don't feel sad anymore. I mean I hardly feel anything. I am really happy. Ecstatic. Nothing brings me down anymore.  What's that? Am I lying? I don't lie. I never lie. I wouldn't say never because every body lies right? Y...

The Sight I stare up at the office window, blank. Thoughts were no longer racing in my mind. Questions were halted, my train of thoughts forcefully stopped in its tracks. I could get hit by a bus right now, but I doubt I would feel it. I was numb. It was a struggle to forget, a fight to let go. I could not, but I had to. I dragged my feet slowly away from his office. My eyes never wavering from the doors, hoping he would walk out, a smile in place. But he wasn’t there. He didn’t know I was here. My stomach cramped, my heart felt like it couldn’t pump any blood because the truth is, that he never cared. He never loved me the way that I loved him. He never understood me the way that I understood him. He did not know me, and he never wanted to. My whole world had fallen apart in an hour. The world stopped spinning for a fraction of minute, just enough for the words “it’s over,” I smiled to myself. It was over, because it was never real. I had fought constantly to fix som...

Daddy's Little Girl I could hear my dad grinding his teeth. Getting ready to shout at me for something I did not do. I pretend to ignore it. My dad had started to self-destruct a little while after my mother's death. I never understood why. It was not as if he had loved her, or respected her. They had gotten married as a business deal, like most marriages in India, a convenience, an unavoidable contract that had to be signed before a certain age had lapsed. But there my dad had been at the funeral; miserable, drunk and angry. So he had been for the days that followed. I was angry at the prospect of having to take care of this person who never saw love, who never felt love, but grieved at the loss of someone else's love. My mother had loved him; that had been her weakness. I remember the slaps that followed every time he ground his teeth. My mother had taken it, and stayed with him. Domestic abuse was not a term that was well echoed in society. Mental abuse was...

The Death I  was tired. I had given everything. I had given up everything. I had trusted and failed. I had fallen and gotten up. I had forgiven but never forgotten. I was hurt and butchered in my mind. My mind was dead. Maybe I was weak. Maybe I could not handle what little it was that life threw at me. Maybe it was that I made the same mistake a 100 times. But I could not do it anymore. I did not want to make a mistake again, I did not want to give up things I wanted for something that broke my heart. I could not let me be, not this way that I am. So I opened the door of the car and ran; away from the person in the driver's seat, away from the world and away from my life. I stood at the edge of 20 feet drop into the sea at high tide. Twenty feet was nothing but the sea below was ravenous with hunger for something it can pull away into its depths. I closed my eyes and I inched forward. I did not go to work the next day, my body was somewhere in the sea. I did not se...

The survivor My story began where most stories end- with a car crash, an almost certain death. The highway connecting my city to his.  A couple of hours drive that I took on a weekly basis. He was the light at the end of my tunnel, worth that 100km drive. I was late that day. I knew he would get mad, because I always used to complain when he made me wait. I had accelerated, and then nothing. I remember bits and pieces of that day. But I never spoke to him again. I had never cut any one out of my life before. But that crash was a wake up call, “enough” it screamed. I would never have put the breaks on us, but it happened. I get one life, I cannot waste it on someone who cares “almost” enough. I needed more. So I left him. No words because words would pull me back, no letters because letters would bring back memories, only silence because silence was the greatest weapon. He did not know about the accident. It took him two days to realise something was wrong. Two days of my coma...

The girl I see her staring at me from the mirror: contemplating insignificance, contemplating disaster.  Who have I become? I stare at the girl whose innocence is lost. I want to hold her, comfort her, and tell her that things will be okay. The scars of my past, reflected in my eyes, hauntingly leering at me from my reflection. The only one, who knows me, is me. The only one, who can comfort me, is staring at me through the mirror judging me, judging my actions. I see tears rolling down my face, before I feel them. I am so used to them now that they are almost a part of me. What have I become. I look down at the reflection on my wrists. Scars, that deface my once smooth flawless skin. Did I hate myself that much that I absolutely had to draw my own blood? Healed lines, bumps, I feel them with my other hand. Looking up, I see her, taunting me. “What have you become, you silly girl?” my eyes ask me. What have I become? Meaningless, defective, useless. What broke me? Wha...

Mother Today, I told her the truth. It was her 18 th birthday. She was old enough, wise enough, smart enough, and mature enough. Today, I told my daughter that I couldn’t conceive a child, and that she came from someone else. I told her that she is beautiful, she is amazing, I love her like I carried her, maybe even more, but she came from somewhere else. I haven’t seen her face fall as it did today. But that look, I would never forget it. It was the truth, and a necessity, a pain and a blessing. “Why don’t I have hair like yours and a nose like daddy’s?” The 10 year old girl had asked me. She was referring to the torrent of crazy curls that rose from my head, and the long pointed nose that was her dad’s. What lies I had told her while I had brushed her long straight hair. We gave her everything. We always wanted what was best for her. So, today, I told her; Remembering the first time I had held her, having glimpsed her birth mother’s longing to hold her child. We had closed...

The confession “I want you, with a hint of uncertainty. I need you, with a hint of ingratitude.  I love you, with a hint of sarcasm.” I said the words, watched her face change and then turned around and walked away- Away from her life, in search of new beginnings. I hadn’t decided where I was going to go, but I wouldn’t stay here, it was unbecoming of me. I would not stay behind to be ridiculed, or unloved. It was never my mistake to have fallen in love, it was tragic loss: a loss of dignity, a loss of pride, I had fallen from my high horse, to become a quivering mass of thoughtless being under someone else’s feet. But that was so much less than my potential, so much more than I ever thought would become of me. I did not want to feel that magnetic draw, how I wanted to turn around and gaze into those hypnotic eyes. I had met that man she loved. The way she had held his hand and had introduced me, it had caused the pit of my stomach to turn and coil. We had sworn to be...

Beauty   The city is crowded.  The navigation system amazing, so well connected, the transportation system beyond me. New job, new life, new heart. I have left my broken heart behind me. I have left my old life behind me, old friends, family.   I have created a routine here; I wake at 6, leave at   7:30 , office by 9. An almost 9 to 5 job, but I don't mind extra hours. It's my new life; I want to leave my old habits behind. Evenings I spend near the sea, because it's perfect. Then I take the train back home, normally with someone's smelly armpit directly aimed at my face. Every jerking stop of the train, sending a nauseatingly strong smell into my nose. I didn't mind.   Today, no different from normal,  I breathe in the crowd at the station,  mixture of smells, jasmine being sold, sweat, mixed perfumes, fried food, I could get used to this, forever. I close my eyes for a second. Someone rams into me really hard and I nearly drop everythin...