Skip to main content

The Heart and The Brain

The Sight

I stare up at the office window, blank. Thoughts were no longer racing in my mind. Questions were halted, my train of thoughts forcefully stopped in its tracks. I could get hit by a bus right now, but I doubt I would feel it. I was numb.

It was a struggle to forget, a fight to let go. I could not, but I had to. I dragged my feet slowly away from his office. My eyes never wavering from the doors, hoping he would walk out, a smile in place. But he wasn’t there. He didn’t know I was here.

My stomach cramped, my heart felt like it couldn’t pump any blood because the truth is, that he never cared. He never loved me the way that I loved him. He never understood me the way that I understood him. He did not know me, and he never wanted to.

My whole world had fallen apart in an hour. The world stopped spinning for a fraction of minute, just enough for the words “it’s over,” I smiled to myself. It was over, because it was never real. I had fought constantly to fix something that was not real.

I couldn’t look away from the doors, hoping against hope that he would come out and everything would be the same. But something inside had me changed. I had cut him off, and I had lost my friend, a person I once thought was my soulmate.

I had known this day would come. But I never knew it would hurt this way, never knew that I would think it was all fake. There was nothing coming out of those doors that I wanted to see.

I walked away.





The Flight

I stare out through window, blank. Thoughts were overwhelming. Questions were rattling the cage of my brain, my heart could feel a hit. I could get hit by a bus right now, and I wouldn’t know which pain was worse. I had lost.

It was a struggle to understand, a state of panic. I wanted her to be waiting, but she wasn’t. I forced my eyes away from the window. My mind never wavering from the picture of her waiting for me, headphones in place. But she wasn’t there. She didn’t know I wanted her there.

My stomach cramped, my heart felt like it would fall out of its place. She just left me like I never loved her, she just cut me off like I never meant anything. I didn’t understand her, I didn’t understand her arguments. Nothing was ever enough, and I couldn’t make her happy.

My whole world changed in an hour. I knew that it would break her, it would hurt us, just two words, “it’s over,” I laughed at myself. It was over, and it was a relief. I had been released from shackles that bound me.

I couldn’t take my mind away from the thoughts, hoping against hope that she would be there. But something inside me had changed. She had cut me off, and I had lost my friend, a person I once thought would never leave me.

I had known this day would come. But I didn’t know that it would make me miss her, never knew that she would not be there, which is when I ran to my office doors, because I knew she would be waiting there.


I walked out hoping to have a last glimpse of her, but I knew she had walked away.

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Blink

  The criminal I look at you. I remember I gave you the chance to break me. I didn’t leave, when I knew I should have. I stopped you when you were about to leave. I let myself be bruised. I blink to see if there are any tears in my eyes. I remember the last time. I had thrown it at you, that book that I had painstakingly made as an anniversary gift. I had thrown it at you, hoping, hoping that you’d see it and you’d know what we were losing. I had begged for forgiveness from you, craving for something I knew we had no way of getting back. I had blinked just hoping the pain would go away. I remember when you had told me that you wanted to be with me forever, when you had promised forever. That blue checkered shirt, with its sleeves folded up, the smell of my favourite deo, the half eaten plate of chicken wings, and that playful yet perfect smile. I had blinked, just to make sure that I captured the moment.  I remember when we had first met, how you’d sat across from me, just wai...
Post a Comment
Read more

The train

The T shirt The morning of my first train journey alone from the city of Bangalore to the huge city of Mumbai, had me seeing the interiors of a train for the first time in 25 years. The last time I traveled by train I was 5 years old. A lot had changed since then. Flights were frequent, my father had made huge amounts of money, and I never had to bother taking the train. But as a 30 year old unmarried woman, trying to prove herself in a patriarchal society, I had cut off from my family- financially and emotionally. I had my hand sanitiser, wet tissues, pepper spray,  packed food (enough for 3 days), and I was ready to fight the germs and the assholes that could be in the train. I was dressed in my ex boyfriend's t shirt which was a few sizes too big, so as to not "entice" the lewd remarks or actions. A woman shabbily clad in a Saree came and sat next to me with her 3 kids and her husband who smelled heavily of alcohol. They were jittery and excited. There was a stron...
Post a Comment
Read more

The Mirror

The girl I see her staring at me from the mirror: contemplating insignificance, contemplating disaster.  Who have I become? I stare at the girl whose innocence is lost. I want to hold her, comfort her, and tell her that things will be okay. The scars of my past, reflected in my eyes, hauntingly leering at me from my reflection. The only one, who knows me, is me. The only one, who can comfort me, is staring at me through the mirror judging me, judging my actions. I see tears rolling down my face, before I feel them. I am so used to them now that they are almost a part of me. What have I become. I look down at the reflection on my wrists. Scars, that deface my once smooth flawless skin. Did I hate myself that much that I absolutely had to draw my own blood? Healed lines, bumps, I feel them with my other hand. Looking up, I see her, taunting me. “What have you become, you silly girl?” my eyes ask me. What have I become? Meaningless, defective, useless. What broke me? Wha...
Post a Comment
Read more