2 minds

The Death

I  was tired. I had given everything. I had given up everything. I had trusted and failed. I had fallen and gotten up. I had forgiven but never forgotten. I was hurt and butchered in my mind. My mind was dead. Maybe I was weak. Maybe I could not handle what little it was that life threw at me. Maybe it was that I made the same mistake a 100 times. But I could not do it anymore. I did not want to make a mistake again, I did not want to give up things I wanted for something that broke my heart. I could not let me be, not this way that I am.

So I opened the door of the car and ran; away from the person in the driver's seat, away from the world and away from my life. I stood at the edge of 20 feet drop into the sea at high tide. Twenty feet was nothing but the sea below was ravenous with hunger for something it can pull away into its depths. I closed my eyes and I inched forward.

I did not go to work the next day, my body was somewhere in the sea. I did not see them weep for me. I did not see that they carried on with their work. I did not see that my parents were crying and the tears they shed for their little child. I did not go home to see the funeral without a body, I did not visit my old bedroom to see my mom sitting on the floor clutching my pair of jeans that she hated. I did not visit my boyfriend's office to see him with his face in his hands, guilty but not sad. I did not see that my friends cried and talked to each other about the good times we had shared.

A week hence, I could not scream as my colleagues seemed to have forgotten my existence. I could not cry as my parents continued to grieve for me. I could not feel as my boyfriend kissed another girl. I could not breathe as my friends began to forget me.

A month hence, I could not hold my parents as they continued to weep. I could not slap my boyfriend as he seemed to have been waiting for my death. I couldn't apologise to my friends for being the only one who knew their darkest secrets.

A year later, I could not embrace my family as they celebrated birthdays and anniversaries and festivals. I could not attend my friends' weddings, parties and celebrations. I could not cry as my boyfriend had forgotten I had ever existed. I had become irrelevant. I was dead and so were my memories.

I wish I hadn't jumped.

The Life

I  was tired. I had given everything. I had given up everything. I had trusted and failed. I had fallen and gotten up. I had forgiven but never forgotten. I was hurt and butchered in my mind. My mind was dead. Maybe I was weak. Maybe I could not handle what little it was that life threw at me. Maybe it was that I made the same mistake a 100 times. But I could not do it anymore. I did not want to make a mistake again, I did not want to give up things I wanted for something that broke my heart. I could not let me be, not this way.

So I opened the door of the car and ran; away from the person in the driver's seat, away from the world and away from my life. I stood at the edge of a 20 foot drop into the sea at high tide. Twenty feet was nothing, but the sea below was ravenous with hunger for something it could pull away into its depths. I closed my eyes and I inched forward.

I went to work the next day but my mind was somewhere in the sea. So I did not pay attention as my boss berated me. I did not see as he took my appraisal. I did not see that my parents were trying to contact me and that I did not want to live this life. I wanted to go home and hug my parents, I wanted to visit my old bedroom to see my memories and pictures on the wall. I visited my boyfriend's office to meet him and hold him and tell him everything was fine. It was a lie and it killed me to forgive him again. I called my friends and spent the entire night talking and laughing of things long forgotten.

A week hence, I could not scream as my pain echoed in my tears that rolled down at my office; my colleagues seemingly carrying on with their work. I went home to spend time with my parents, and they were happy with their little girl. My boyfriend stopped himself from kissing another girl and the fights that ensued from the "almost" broke me. I could not breathe as my friends sympathised with me.

A month hence, I could not hold my parents as I continued with my sadness. I slapped my boyfriend as he continued to break my heart. I apologized to my friends as my sadness got in the way of helping them through their darkest secrets.

A year later, I could not bear that I cried through most anniversaries, birthdays and festivals. I could not attend my friends' weddings, parties and celebrations without breaking down in tears. I could not stop to cry as my boyfriend had conveniently forgotten my existence when he felt like it. I had become irrelevant. I was dead in my mind and my company was worthless.

I wish I had jumped.