The survivor
My story began where most stories end- with a car crash, an almost certain death. The highway connecting my city to his. A couple of hours drive that I took on a weekly basis. He was the light at the end of my tunnel, worth that 100km drive. I was late that day. I knew he would get mad, because I always used to complain when he made me wait. I had accelerated, and then nothing. I remember bits and pieces of that day. But I never spoke to him again.
I had never cut any one out of my life before. But that crash was a wake up call, “enough” it screamed. I would never have put the breaks on us, but it happened. I get one life, I cannot waste it on someone who cares “almost” enough. I needed more. So I left him. No words because words would pull me back, no letters because letters would bring back memories, only silence because silence was the greatest weapon.
He did not know about the accident. It took him two days to realise something was wrong. Two days of my comatose state, and a chance phone call from a friend to him. I don’t know if he cried or tried to see me. I never bothered to find out, but I know it took him two days to miss me. I used to poison myself because of him, cigarette smoke and intravenous drugs. Nothing else could soothe my pain from him.
Like I mentioned, that accident was a wake up call, I worked my way up, it took me two months what would normally have taken me two years. I was in a position to bargain, demand. Career wise I had accelerated. Love came in free flow, it did not demand my time, only my heart. And i found love where my heart had always been, back home and with a childhood friend. All it took was that moment of impact. I never took my life or love for granted again. Freedom is earned, sometimes the greatest freedom is from one’s own heart. The heart, a cage of disaster, waiting to let you self destruct.
The victim
My story ended where most stories end- a crash, an almost certain death. The highway connecting our cities. A couple of hours drive that she took on a weekly basis. I would always tell her not to come. She was late that day and we had fought, I thought she would not come. But she had and I never saw her again.
I had never lost someone from my life before, apart from through death. But that crash was all she needed to let me go. I would never have put the breaks on us, but she did. I cannot understand why. I loved her and cared for her but she always needed more. No words because words could be countered, no letters because letters would lose their meaning, only silence because silence was the greatest weapon. She knew the silence would never answer my questions.
I did not know about the accident. I agree it took me two days to realise something was wrong. But, we had fought, and I had assumed that her ego had got the better of her. Two days of her comatose state, two days of my egoistic trance and a chance phone call from a friend to me. I don’t know if I cried but I didn’t know how I could face her. The guilt, the pain, the anger at her carelessness, the immense loss because i didn’t know if she would survive. I would call our friends everyday to see if she woke, my mind trickled with constant fear of a loss. It took me two days to miss her and therein lay my biggest guilt. I began to poison myself because of her, cigarette smoke and intravenous drugs. Nothing else could soothe my guilt.
Like I mentioned, that accident killed me, it ripped me from my soul. I wandered my way through life, each day an unfathomable mist of emotion clouding my judgment. I was losing out. Career wise I had suffered. Love came in as a sin, lust demanded my time. My heart refused to make room. And the great love I had found back then, the last words it had heard were, “My heart aches because of you, I’m losing out on so much because of you.” I missed her two days late. All it took was that moment of impact. I had taken my life and love for granted. Freedom was earned, sometimes the worst freedom is the “apparent” freedom from one’s own heart. The heart, a cage of disaster, waiting to let you self destruct.
My story began where most stories end- with a car crash, an almost certain death. The highway connecting my city to his. A couple of hours drive that I took on a weekly basis. He was the light at the end of my tunnel, worth that 100km drive. I was late that day. I knew he would get mad, because I always used to complain when he made me wait. I had accelerated, and then nothing. I remember bits and pieces of that day. But I never spoke to him again.
I had never cut any one out of my life before. But that crash was a wake up call, “enough” it screamed. I would never have put the breaks on us, but it happened. I get one life, I cannot waste it on someone who cares “almost” enough. I needed more. So I left him. No words because words would pull me back, no letters because letters would bring back memories, only silence because silence was the greatest weapon.
He did not know about the accident. It took him two days to realise something was wrong. Two days of my comatose state, and a chance phone call from a friend to him. I don’t know if he cried or tried to see me. I never bothered to find out, but I know it took him two days to miss me. I used to poison myself because of him, cigarette smoke and intravenous drugs. Nothing else could soothe my pain from him.
Like I mentioned, that accident was a wake up call, I worked my way up, it took me two months what would normally have taken me two years. I was in a position to bargain, demand. Career wise I had accelerated. Love came in free flow, it did not demand my time, only my heart. And i found love where my heart had always been, back home and with a childhood friend. All it took was that moment of impact. I never took my life or love for granted again. Freedom is earned, sometimes the greatest freedom is from one’s own heart. The heart, a cage of disaster, waiting to let you self destruct.
The victim
My story ended where most stories end- a crash, an almost certain death. The highway connecting our cities. A couple of hours drive that she took on a weekly basis. I would always tell her not to come. She was late that day and we had fought, I thought she would not come. But she had and I never saw her again.
I had never lost someone from my life before, apart from through death. But that crash was all she needed to let me go. I would never have put the breaks on us, but she did. I cannot understand why. I loved her and cared for her but she always needed more. No words because words could be countered, no letters because letters would lose their meaning, only silence because silence was the greatest weapon. She knew the silence would never answer my questions.
I did not know about the accident. I agree it took me two days to realise something was wrong. But, we had fought, and I had assumed that her ego had got the better of her. Two days of her comatose state, two days of my egoistic trance and a chance phone call from a friend to me. I don’t know if I cried but I didn’t know how I could face her. The guilt, the pain, the anger at her carelessness, the immense loss because i didn’t know if she would survive. I would call our friends everyday to see if she woke, my mind trickled with constant fear of a loss. It took me two days to miss her and therein lay my biggest guilt. I began to poison myself because of her, cigarette smoke and intravenous drugs. Nothing else could soothe my guilt.
Like I mentioned, that accident killed me, it ripped me from my soul. I wandered my way through life, each day an unfathomable mist of emotion clouding my judgment. I was losing out. Career wise I had suffered. Love came in as a sin, lust demanded my time. My heart refused to make room. And the great love I had found back then, the last words it had heard were, “My heart aches because of you, I’m losing out on so much because of you.” I missed her two days late. All it took was that moment of impact. I had taken my life and love for granted. Freedom was earned, sometimes the worst freedom is the “apparent” freedom from one’s own heart. The heart, a cage of disaster, waiting to let you self destruct.
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