Skip to main content

The Park

The confused

 I sit on this park bench and I watch. How are they so sure. How do they know. I watch these girls as they happily clutch the arms of these boys staring lovingly into their eyes. How do they know for sure that that guy is the one? How do they know they love them? How do they know they want to be with them? How do they know that they want to get married? How do they know that they won't get bored? 

 I can't know. I have never known. Was it love? Is what I am feeling attraction? Is it the attention I seek? Do I want more? How do I know? How is it easy for all these girls that I see to know what they want? What if I am wrong? What if he's not the one, what if I break his heart? What if he breaks mine? 

 Don't get me wrong, rejection doesn't scare me. Words that convey "I don't feel the same way about you," has never scared me. Probably because I haven't faced rejection, true rejection. Is it rejection if you don't want to really be with them? Is it hurtful if you can shrug it off and be okay? 

 The last guy who spoke of interest, what did I tell him? I'm not sure. Nice guy, my type but not my type? I wasn't sure. I am not sure still. I smile at a happy couple, a slight hint of jealousy tugging at my heart. Not for the love they share, but because she knows what she wants.
The invisible

I watch her on the park bench. Was it stalking if I didn't intend her any harm? I smile as she looks confused. I hate that look on her face, uncertainty, the way she looked at me when I told her I loved her. She didn't know? She wasn't sure? But I watch her. Watch her observe people as they pass. She reads people so well.

She can't know. She doesn't know. She knows people, but doesn't know herself? Or what she wants? She was attracted to me. She enjoyed speaking to me but when I said I loved her. I got silence with that same confused expression.


Rejection, the pain of it is more than just a shadow, more than just a flesh wound, more than most pain that I have felt. It drove me to this point, to understand her, know her. Maybe even help her figure out what she wants.


I watch her, as I see her smile at a couple. She respects their love, but not mine? I feel a slight hint of longing tugging at my heart. Not because of the couple, but because it was time. I gripped the knife harder in my hand, maybe she wasn't sure what she wanted, but I was.

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Love

His Princess He didn't see me going to the donut store. If he did, he would remind me that I'm fat. He would remind me 10 times a day that I need to work out and lose 15 kilos. He would tell me that I'm not fit, and that I'm not good enough. I bite into the donut, original glazed. It hits the right spot. I am happy.  He didn't see me going to the party in heels. If he did, he would remind me that I don't have the required practice and I am wobbly on my feet. He would smile at me weird and say not to feel hurt, he's just playing. But he didn't see me, go to the party in heels. I dance and nearly fall, but it's so good to feel it without someone pointing it out. He didn't see me putting on my green lipstick. If he did, he would remind me that it's just not what's done in society. But he didn't see me, and I had the best night. I was free to be myself.  He didn't see me crying, if he did he would have said that I'm too emotional,...
Post a Comment
Read more

The train

The T shirt The morning of my first train journey alone from the city of Bangalore to the huge city of Mumbai, had me seeing the interiors of a train for the first time in 25 years. The last time I traveled by train I was 5 years old. A lot had changed since then. Flights were frequent, my father had made huge amounts of money, and I never had to bother taking the train. But as a 30 year old unmarried woman, trying to prove herself in a patriarchal society, I had cut off from my family- financially and emotionally. I had my hand sanitiser, wet tissues, pepper spray,  packed food (enough for 3 days), and I was ready to fight the germs and the assholes that could be in the train. I was dressed in my ex boyfriend's t shirt which was a few sizes too big, so as to not "entice" the lewd remarks or actions. A woman shabbily clad in a Saree came and sat next to me with her 3 kids and her husband who smelled heavily of alcohol. They were jittery and excited. There was a stron...
Post a Comment
Read more

The Beauty within

The mind I'm going to smile and pretend and tell you this story.  I am okay. I have been okay. I will be okay. I have been saying this to everyone, I don't see a reason to speak the truth now.  I am fine. It wasn't me who stood at that ledge that one time. It might have been my body standing there waiting for the right moment, for the winds to shift, for my feet to slip, but it wasn't me. This mind is fine.  Do you mind if I light up a smoke? I picked up this habit a while back, existential crisis, I like to call it. A mid life, scratch that, a quarter life crisis. But I am going to quit. I will, the moment, my life decides it has meaning. I am not dependent on it. I mean, I used to smoke when I used to feel sad but nowadays I don't feel sad anymore. I mean I hardly feel anything. I am really happy. Ecstatic. Nothing brings me down anymore.  What's that? Am I lying? I don't lie. I never lie. I wouldn't say never because every body lies right? Y...
2 comments
Read more