Skip to main content

The Monster and the Girl

The Monster

I watch her running through the woods. The lower branches nearly slapping her to the ground. It's almost like she feels me, she hears me, she can sense my footsteps as I follow her.

But I am like air, I am like dust, I am like mist. I am there but do I really exist? She stops on the pathway and I can see her pant, her chest heaving, tears streaming down her cheeks, thin long streaks, wet across her face. She is afraid and I am excited. I raise my hand to caress her head.

She lets out a scream of frustration and starts her long run away from me, away from what she thinks I am. Monsters aren't real, are they? Monsters don't exist, do they? So do I really exist?




The Girl

I run, as fast as I can, away through the wooded path. I've done this in a dream before and I cannot stop running because if I do, it will catch upto me. I can feel it getting closer, I can almost see its shadow, I can sense its presence getting closer. 

My monster has claws that doesn't let go, my monster has teeth that grab on with too much force. I stop to catch my breath, the fight is too hard, the path is too long, the struggle is too real. I start to feel the tears coming. The tears I don't want it to see. Fear starts to surround me, it envelops me, and I feel it reaching over my shoulder. 

I scream, out of frustration, I scream because I've had enough. I run, I run my long run, because I know my monster is real. I run through my treatment, I run through the pain, because I know at any minute, my depression would get me. Because no matter how hard I try to ignore it, it's a monster that exists.

Comments

Popular posts from this blog

Blink

  The criminal I look at you. I remember I gave you the chance to break me. I didn’t leave, when I knew I should have. I stopped you when you were about to leave. I let myself be bruised. I blink to see if there are any tears in my eyes. I remember the last time. I had thrown it at you, that book that I had painstakingly made as an anniversary gift. I had thrown it at you, hoping, hoping that you’d see it and you’d know what we were losing. I had begged for forgiveness from you, craving for something I knew we had no way of getting back. I had blinked just hoping the pain would go away. I remember when you had told me that you wanted to be with me forever, when you had promised forever. That blue checkered shirt, with its sleeves folded up, the smell of my favourite deo, the half eaten plate of chicken wings, and that playful yet perfect smile. I had blinked, just to make sure that I captured the moment.  I remember when we had first met, how you’d sat across from me, just wai...

The train

The T shirt The morning of my first train journey alone from the city of Bangalore to the huge city of Mumbai, had me seeing the interiors of a train for the first time in 25 years. The last time I traveled by train I was 5 years old. A lot had changed since then. Flights were frequent, my father had made huge amounts of money, and I never had to bother taking the train. But as a 30 year old unmarried woman, trying to prove herself in a patriarchal society, I had cut off from my family- financially and emotionally. I had my hand sanitiser, wet tissues, pepper spray,  packed food (enough for 3 days), and I was ready to fight the germs and the assholes that could be in the train. I was dressed in my ex boyfriend's t shirt which was a few sizes too big, so as to not "entice" the lewd remarks or actions. A woman shabbily clad in a Saree came and sat next to me with her 3 kids and her husband who smelled heavily of alcohol. They were jittery and excited. There was a stron...

Reciprocate

The keeper I love you son. You are everything, and anything I have wanted. I am sorry that I left. I couldn't be at home anymore. My heart still aches that I left when you were still holding my hand, you were 7 and too young to understand. I could have come to see you any time, but I refused. But never did I spend a single day not thinking about you, I have supported you through everything, watched you more closely than you can ever imagine. But I couldn't bring myself to face you. At 13 you were bright, topper of your class, your mother raised you well. I just could never bring myself to love her again, I could not stand to be in the same room as her. I am sorry. It was never about you.  At 18, I thought that it was time, should I meet you, tell you how I know everything about you- How you have got into one of the best colleges, how proud I am of you. Should I? But I am a coward, son. I am the biggest coward anyone could ever imagine. Your hand wrapped around my fing...