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Winds of change

The future 

It's not that easy- to change into something you're not. But I see myself, the piercings, the tattoos, doing things I had promised myself I would never do. It was just a small turning point, a small heartbreak that I had long seen coming. But it changed me. 

I question myself, I was flawless, I was loving, I was caring but now I feel nothing. Every fuck is just a fuck, I haven't made love in ages. I haven't felt love in ages. I look at myself, run my fingers over the tattoos covering my scars on my forearm, it feels different some how, my very skin feels different. 

I close my eyes, I wanted it all, once- a family, kids, love, career. Today, I breathe freely. I want nothing more than to be by myself. A deep breath calms me. I wash my face slowly, remembering how I was never free. I slowly scrub at my face, realising there's dirt, there's dirt all around me. I remember who I was once, innocent, sweet, gullible. Suddenly, I feel dirty. 



The present

It's not that easy to doubt yourself. You believe that you're perfect. You have an amazing fiancé and life has just got so many goals. I can see myself, in the future, happy, content and free, happily coming out of a destructive state of mind. I know I'll never self harm again. I never want this to change. 

I never question myself, I am flawless, I am loving, I am caring and I'm willing to do anything for the people I love. I don't need to fuck around, I don't need to meet a 100 people, i just need my friends, my family and my fiancé. I haven't felt this loved in all my life. I look at myself, run my fingers over the scars on my forearm, it feels different some how, my very skin feels different. 

I close my eyes, I want it all - a family, kids, love, career. But today, I can't breathe freely. My whole life is planned out, like it's some sort of a story. A deep breath calms me. I wash my face slowly, remembering how I will never be free. I slowly scrub at my face, realising there's dirt, there's dirt all around me. I remember who I am now, innocent, sweet, gullible. Suddenly, I feel dirty.

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