Broken Codes

The Girl I lit the candle. It was still dark. I couldn't see except for a few feet ahead. I hated the dark, I feared it. I had this creepy feeling I was being watched. I reached the fuse box and turned on the light. My phone was out of charge. I really felt like I wasn't alone at home.  I went back to my room, put my phone on charge and got into the shower. The warm water was very soothing to my frazzled nerves. Bed time. Finally, I could sleep and the night would be over. I had a few texts from this guy I was seeing. Cute boy, fun boy. I think I could fall in love with him. I felt safe somehow as  I texted him. But it had been a long day and I decided to sleep. His msg read "I can come over. We can chat, maybe watch a movie." I laughed. He was sweet and him being here would make me feel protected, but I was too tired. "Come on. I am nearby i can be there soon." I send a goodnight text and turned off the internet and the lights. And I slept. The lover...

The confused I sit on this park bench and I watch. How are they so sure. How do they know. I watch these girls as they happily clutch the arms of these boys staring lovingly into their eyes. How do they know for sure that that guy is the one? How do they know they love them? How do they know they want to be with them? How do they know that they want to get married? How do they know that they won't get bored?  I can't know. I have never known. Was it love? Is what I am feeling attraction? Is it the attention I seek? Do I want more? How do I know? How is it easy for all these girls that I see to know what they want? What if I am wrong? What if he's not the one, what if I break his heart? What if he breaks mine?  Don't get me wrong, rejection doesn't scare me. Words that convey "I don't feel the same way about you," has never scared me. Probably because I haven't faced rejection, true rejection. Is it rejection if you don't want to really b...

The ex boyfriend I smile at her. I think it's been 2 years since we had last met. She seems to be more comfortable than I am. Why had we decided on this meeting. I stand up and pull out her chair. I'd been here half an hour early. My palms are slightly sweaty, I quickly wipe them on my jeans and shake her hand quickly. We have a few minutes of small talk, I ask her how the weather is at her new city.  I ask her how her new job is. Then I ask her the question most people would evade. "How's the new boyfriend?" She had left me for him. I still remember the day. How arguments turned into the ending. He may have been better for her. But I felt a pang of jealousy even now. It was her turn to smile. "He's doing good. Busier than ever. We've been traveling a lot too. Life is really good." I could feel the jealousy turn into a ravenous hunger, my ego growing wild. What did I want? Wasn't I extremely happy without her? My phone rings, it is m...

Hers   When we go on our first date, I would feel shy, I would smile tenderly and make sure he asks me why I am so quiet. When we go on our first date, we would go somewhere nice, by the beachside at sunset and he would hold my hand. Our first date would have dinner, and maybe he would drop me back home. Outside my house, after dinner, so that we could discuss things at length.   After our first date, when he calls me just to chat, I would open up a little more, and yet, I would pull myself back. It would be perfect, and he would make me smile. I know because I know him well, and I know how he can be nice. I know it would be perfect because I know we are friends, and I know him so well that I can read him better than anyone else can.   When we go on our second date, I would be a little nicer, I would smile a lot broader and would tell him a few secrets. But here is the truth, maybe I really shouldn’t, maybe some secrets are more of a fifth date revelati...

She said Can you remember the exact moment when your friend became an acquaintance. Because I can't. I have spend years trying to figure it out. Trying to keep in touch with someone who so obviously didn't care enough. Of course, self doubt always crept in, not understanding where and when this happened. Or what precise incident made this happen. You keep going back to that moment where you might have done something wrong, but really, maybe you haven't.  I don't know if I have.  All I remember was that she was my best friend. I used to believe that friends can be your soulmates too, and she was mine. I defended her with a vigour, when loyalty was only given to those friends you truly trust. High school days, and friendships that barely scratched the surface, she was the only person I couldn't abandon and the only place where my loyalties were. She was family.  I knew when her ambitions changed, I knew her when she dated the guy I had a crush on and laughed i...

The mind I'm going to smile and pretend and tell you this story.  I am okay. I have been okay. I will be okay. I have been saying this to everyone, I don't see a reason to speak the truth now.  I am fine. It wasn't me who stood at that ledge that one time. It might have been my body standing there waiting for the right moment, for the winds to shift, for my feet to slip, but it wasn't me. This mind is fine.  Do you mind if I light up a smoke? I picked up this habit a while back, existential crisis, I like to call it. A mid life, scratch that, a quarter life crisis. But I am going to quit. I will, the moment, my life decides it has meaning. I am not dependent on it. I mean, I used to smoke when I used to feel sad but nowadays I don't feel sad anymore. I mean I hardly feel anything. I am really happy. Ecstatic. Nothing brings me down anymore.  What's that? Am I lying? I don't lie. I never lie. I wouldn't say never because every body lies right? Y...

The Sight I stare up at the office window, blank. Thoughts were no longer racing in my mind. Questions were halted, my train of thoughts forcefully stopped in its tracks. I could get hit by a bus right now, but I doubt I would feel it. I was numb. It was a struggle to forget, a fight to let go. I could not, but I had to. I dragged my feet slowly away from his office. My eyes never wavering from the doors, hoping he would walk out, a smile in place. But he wasn’t there. He didn’t know I was here. My stomach cramped, my heart felt like it couldn’t pump any blood because the truth is, that he never cared. He never loved me the way that I loved him. He never understood me the way that I understood him. He did not know me, and he never wanted to. My whole world had fallen apart in an hour. The world stopped spinning for a fraction of minute, just enough for the words “it’s over,” I smiled to myself. It was over, because it was never real. I had fought constantly to fix som...