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Today

Yesterday

This is not my first time. I didn't choose today out of any sense of sentimentality.  I chose today because today I feel something is missing.

I woke up feeling incomplete. I had fallen in love and had been lying to myself the entire time. There was no violin playing, no live music, no dancers- there was no celebration of love, unrequited love did not deserve that kind of romance.

I woke up to the blaring sound of the alarm. I didn't want to wake up, my only thought was, "Can I sleep away my feelings?" I rolled over and watched the ceiling,  I didn't wake up thinking of him, I woke up feeling scared to think of him. I felt like a zombie and I felt like my brain had been eaten away. The constant feeling of my brain being munched on by thoughts of his eyes,  his hands, his voice when he said the words, "I love you." But the word "love" has so many meanings and the meaning he held in those words was- heartbreak. He was not in love with me. His love meant he cared for me, a little more than he did for others. A little. But it was completely platonic. The fact itself lies in the truth that when I see him, it takes all of me not to grab him and kiss him. That attraction, is not just attraction. I can't fight the draw I feel to him. Stupid love.

I debated with myself all morning, kajal or no kajal, dark lipstick or light flavoured lip gloss, hair loose or high pony?  I didnt even know what he liked on me. I met him for breakfast, tradition. He started to laugh as soon as he saw me- that wiped the smile out of my face. I tried resetting my hair and wiped my lipstick on the back of my hand. I was annoyed. He was still smirking. It wasn't fair that I loved him. He wasn't even a very nice person.

I had lost my appetite. I was not hungry anymore. He was eating like a pig. I just wanted to go home. "I'll see you after class." He was never late for class. Meeting him after class was something I looked forward to. I would wait for him to ask to meet me. Today I met him. Violins began to play, literal violins, was that a sign? I smiled when I saw him. It took all of me not to grab him and kiss him. I took him by his hand though, and walked with him, away from people. What was on my mind.  Nothing. We walked in silence. I stopped in my tracks. Turned around and kissed him. He didn't stop me and the kiss just got better. But nothing. Did I love him? No. It was just attraction. I laughed. A sense of relief. He looked a little confused. I kissed him on the cheek, "You're a good kisser." I explained that I kissed him merely out of curiosity. We didn't talk anymore about it. But I was glad that I would no longer wake up feeling incomplete.

Today

I woke up feeling incomplete. I had fallen in love and had been lying to myself the entire time. There was no violin playing, no live music, no dancers-there was no celebration of love, unrequited love did not deserve that kind of romance.

I woke up to the blaring sound of the alarm. I didn't want to wake up, my only thought was, "Can I sleep away my feelings?" I rolled over and watched the ceiling,  I didn't wake up thinking of her, I woke up feeling scared to think of her. I felt like  a zombie and I felt like my brain had been eaten away. The constant feeling of my brain being munched on by thoughts of her eyes,  her hands, her voice and that kiss.  She was not in love with me. Her love meant she cared for me, a little more than she did for others. A little. But it was completely platonic. The fact itself lies in the truth that when I will see her now, it will take all of me not to grab her and kiss her. That attraction, is not just attraction. I can't fight the draw I feel to her. Stupid love.

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