Skip to main content

Rules of Attraction

The Story
I wonder sometimes if you knew, how much it hurt. Not that you were in love with someone else, but that you lied to me about it. I wonder sometimes if you knew how insane it made me to know that there was some secret that you didn't tell me about. I wonder if you knew that i was jealous only because I feared losing you to her. Yet, I did. It isn't the fact that you look happy that hurts me, I'm happy that you are happy. But it's that I wasn't important enough for you to tell me, that there was someone else, that maybe you'll leave me for her. It didn't matter that you loved her the way you loved me or that you were happy around her, the way you were around me. But the fact is, you lied to me, made me feel like I was the only one. You made me feel like my world was your world, that you knew what we could accomplish together. Yet, at the end you broke my world, you chose her, and not even for a minute did I truly believe you ever could.

The Truth

I wonder sometimes if it would have hurt less had I known. Not that i was in love with someone else, but that i lied to myself about it. I wonder sometimes if you knew how insane it made me to know that there was something about it I truly didn't understand. I wonder if you knew that your jealousy only made it worse.  It isn't the fact that i hurt you that makes me happy, but that I found myself in her. It was the biggest and toughest decision I have ever made. I did not know enough for me to tell you, that there was someone else, that maybe I'll leave you for her. It didn't matter that I loved you because it wasn't real, the way I felt with you, it wasn't real. And the fact is, I lied to myself, made me believe that loving you was right. You made me feel like my world was your world, that you knew what we could accomplish together. Yet, this was my world. I chose her because I'm gay and not even for a minute did I ever want to hurt you.

Comments

Popular posts from this blog

Blink

  The criminal I look at you. I remember I gave you the chance to break me. I didn’t leave, when I knew I should have. I stopped you when you were about to leave. I let myself be bruised. I blink to see if there are any tears in my eyes. I remember the last time. I had thrown it at you, that book that I had painstakingly made as an anniversary gift. I had thrown it at you, hoping, hoping that you’d see it and you’d know what we were losing. I had begged for forgiveness from you, craving for something I knew we had no way of getting back. I had blinked just hoping the pain would go away. I remember when you had told me that you wanted to be with me forever, when you had promised forever. That blue checkered shirt, with its sleeves folded up, the smell of my favourite deo, the half eaten plate of chicken wings, and that playful yet perfect smile. I had blinked, just to make sure that I captured the moment.  I remember when we had first met, how you’d sat across from me, just wai...

The Thought of Words

The writer   It was the words that came to me in free flow. Every sentence well articulated, well written. The words forming thoughts that I have never really understood. I wrote of love, hatred, anger, hunger, pain, regret; without truly knowing what it meant. People laughed, cried, smiled, smirked; on reading what I wrote. But my mother, she never understood. "Think," she'd say, "use your brain." I would be pushed a math paper toward me and would be asked to solve it. That was my life growing up. But words, words were my friends. They brought me pleasure.   I had woken up to the smell of paper burning. There in my room my waste paper basket had been on fire. My mother, standing near it, in her night gown, tears flowing down her face, had been feeding the flames with papers from my desk: my stories, my poetry. The flames had licked them all, tasting my precious words before deciding to swallow them whole. I had watched them burn, and I had let out an inaudibl...

The Jump

Happiness Maybe, just maybe, it is time to give up. I mean, sure, the girl next door lost both her parents to COVID 19. Sure, my family is alive and well and I’m so grateful for it. Sure, I have a lot of love in my life. Sure, I have a great job that gives me time and money. But maybe, it is time that it gets over. When I’m at my peak, when life is at a high and there’s no fall that I can see ahead.  Maybe, just maybe, they won’t miss me as much. Maybe they would understand that it wasn’t sadness at all. I was happy, I am happy and isn’t that what stories always told us? To have a happy ending? Why wait for another moment of sadness? Why wait for another heart break? Why wait for an interruption to my perfect life, when I can be happy and just give it all up. Maybe, just maybe, this jump might not be my last. Maybe, I am so happy that I might defy all odds and fly! This height isn’t that scary. And I’m happy, I’m so happy. I take the jump with my eyes closed and a smile on my face....