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The Acquaintance


She said

 Can you remember the exact moment when your friend became an acquaintance. Because I can't. I have spend years trying to figure it out. Trying to keep in touch with someone who so obviously didn't care enough. Of course, self doubt always crept in, not understanding where and when this happened. Or what precise incident made this happen. You keep going back to that moment where you might have done something wrong, but really, maybe you haven't.  I don't know if I have. 

 All I remember was that she was my best friend. I used to believe that friends can be your soulmates too, and she was mine. I defended her with a vigour, when loyalty was only given to those friends you truly trust. High school days, and friendships that barely scratched the surface, she was the only person I couldn't abandon and the only place where my loyalties were. She was family. 

 I knew when her ambitions changed, I knew her when she dated the guy I had a crush on and laughed it off because she should be happy. I destroyed my other friendships because of anger at his betrayal of her. That was my trust in her.

 But something started to change. Did I do something wrong? Did I say something? Did she think that I didn't stand up for her? Hurt turned to anger, anger to pain, pain to distrust, distrust to nothing. She explained a theory of "social exchange" to me. If I made efforts, then why was I the only one who completely became nothing.

 "I am getting engaged. Did you know?" Yes, I knew because my family told me. An acquaintance invited me to her wedding, not because of a childhood friendship that culminated in nothing, but because our families were close. An acquaintance, who maybe is more of a stranger. 
When did I give up on the pursuit of finding a reason? When trust was no longer a scarcity, and loyalty rang true in every form, loyalty from those friends who always had my back. Through every single one of my failures, my success stories and my mistakes.

And then she said 
Can you remember the exact moment when your friend became an acquaintance. Because I can. I have spend years trying to be a good friend. Trying to keep in touch with someone who just didn't understand. Of course, there was a lot happening in my life, a difficulty keeping someone in the loop so often. You keep having to pretend like the friendship still exists, but it doesn't. It hasn't in a long time.
All I remember was that she was my best friend. I used to believe that friendships can last, but maybe it really doesn't. She wasn't really there for me, for a long time she wasn't. I heard rumours that she wasn't loyal to me and she never defended me when time asked for it. And what is friendship without loyalty? She was family. But things change. 

 We built our ambitions together, wanted similar things in life. We even ended up liking the same guy. The guy being the reason that I started to doubt her loyalty. 
I tried to explain it through the concept of "social  exchange" that it was just the distance, that it was just easier to invest in people who we benefit the most from, with the least effort. So face to face interactions beat Facebook, phone calls or letters. And the distance; a time latency that builds frustration. 

 "I m getting engaged." Yes, she knew because my family told her. An acquaintance I had to invite to my wedding, not because of a childhood friendship that culminated in nothing, but because our families were close. An acquaintance, who maybe is more of a stranger.
When did I give up on the friendship? When trust became a scarcity from her, and her messages to me went unanswered. Through every single one my accomplishments, and triumphs and failures, I never share them with my acquaintance. 

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