Broken Codes

Happiness Maybe, just maybe, it is time to give up. I mean, sure, the girl next door lost both her parents to COVID 19. Sure, my family is alive and well and I’m so grateful for it. Sure, I have a lot of love in my life. Sure, I have a great job that gives me time and money. But maybe, it is time that it gets over. When I’m at my peak, when life is at a high and there’s no fall that I can see ahead.  Maybe, just maybe, they won’t miss me as much. Maybe they would understand that it wasn’t sadness at all. I was happy, I am happy and isn’t that what stories always told us? To have a happy ending? Why wait for another moment of sadness? Why wait for another heart break? Why wait for an interruption to my perfect life, when I can be happy and just give it all up. Maybe, just maybe, this jump might not be my last. Maybe, I am so happy that I might defy all odds and fly! This height isn’t that scary. And I’m happy, I’m so happy. I take the jump with my eyes closed and a smile on my face....

His Princess He didn't see me going to the donut store. If he did, he would remind me that I'm fat. He would remind me 10 times a day that I need to work out and lose 15 kilos. He would tell me that I'm not fit, and that I'm not good enough. I bite into the donut, original glazed. It hits the right spot. I am happy.  He didn't see me going to the party in heels. If he did, he would remind me that I don't have the required practice and I am wobbly on my feet. He would smile at me weird and say not to feel hurt, he's just playing. But he didn't see me, go to the party in heels. I dance and nearly fall, but it's so good to feel it without someone pointing it out. He didn't see me putting on my green lipstick. If he did, he would remind me that it's just not what's done in society. But he didn't see me, and I had the best night. I was free to be myself.  He didn't see me crying, if he did he would have said that I'm too emotional,...

The future  It's not that easy- to change into something you're not. But I see myself, the piercings, the tattoos, doing things I had promised myself I would never do. It was just a small turning point, a small heartbreak that I had long seen coming. But it changed me.  I question myself, I was flawless, I was loving, I was caring but now I feel nothing. Every fuck is just a fuck, I haven't made love in ages. I haven't felt love in ages. I look at myself, run my fingers over the tattoos covering my scars on my forearm, it feels different some how, my very skin feels different.  I close my eyes, I wanted it all, once- a family, kids, love, career. Today, I breathe freely. I want nothing more than to be by myself. A deep breath calms me. I wash my face slowly, remembering how I was never free. I slowly scrub at my face, realising there's dirt, there's dirt all around me. I remember who I was once, innocent, sweet, gullible. Suddenly, I feel dirty.  The present It...

The Monster I watch her running through the woods. The lower branches nearly slapping her to the ground. It's almost like she feels me, she hears me, she can sense my footsteps as I follow her. But I am like air, I am like dust, I am like mist. I am there but do I really exist? She stops on the pathway and I can see her pant, her chest heaving, tears streaming down her cheeks, thin long streaks, wet across her face. She is afraid and I am excited. I raise my hand to caress her head. She lets out a scream of frustration and starts her long run away from me, away from what she thinks I am. Monsters aren't real, are they? Monsters don't exist, do they? So do I really exist? The Girl I run, as fast as I can, away through the wooded path. I've done this in a dream before and I cannot stop running because if I do, it will catch upto me. I can feel it getting closer, I can almost see its shadow, I can sense its presence getting closer.  My monster has claws tha...

The Story I wonder sometimes if you knew, how much it hurt. Not that you were in love with someone else, but that you lied to me about it. I wonder sometimes if you knew how insane it made me to know that there was some secret that you didn't tell me about. I wonder if you knew that i was jealous only because I feared losing you to her. Yet, I did. It isn't the fact that you look happy that hurts me, I'm happy that you are happy. But it's that I wasn't important enough for you to tell me, that there was someone else, that maybe you'll leave me for her. It didn't matter that you loved her the way you loved me or that you were happy around her, the way you were around me. But the fact is, you lied to me, made me feel like I was the only one. You made me feel like my world was your world, that you knew what we could accomplish together. Yet, at the end you broke my world, you chose her, and not even for a minute did I truly believe you ever could. The T...

The Bride "Could you ask him? Please? I know you're friends. And I really need to know. Could you ask him if he likes me?"  I see the conversation playback in my mind. 15 years since that first crush. I remember this conversation to this day. Because you never really forget the first time your heart breaks.  But what I feel now is love like I have never felt before. You know it's real love when the only time he makes you cry is when he makes you doubt his feelings. But there he is, the perfect groom; Laughing with his buddies. I take a step into the church, the laughing face turns to a sly smile as the orchestra starts playing our song. Walking down the aisle to the man of my dreams. I reach him, the preist does his bit and then the vows. I go first, using every instance I have known him to sum up my feelings entirely and I end it with, "I love you." He hadn't even said it yet, not even on the day he had proposed. All he had said was that he car...